Directed by: Joachim Rønning, Espen Sandberg
Starring: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Geoffrey Rush
Rated PG-13, 129 minutes
“Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” isn’t a bad movie, it’s just a movie that nobody needed. The fifth film in the franchise, and thus the fourth attempt to recreate the magic that made “The Curse of the Black Pearl” so enjoyable, “Dead Men Tell No Tales” scavenges the canon its predecessors established and, unsurprisingly, comes out jumbled. This is a great big casserole of a movie, the sort made by throwing the week’s leftovers into a pan; as you’d expect, no amount of reheating or salt will make it as good as the original recipe.
“Dead Men Tell No Tales” finds old nemeses Jack Sparrow (played again by Johnny Depp and a year’s supply of eyeliner) and Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush, reprising his role) seeking out the mythical trident of Poseidon, said to possess all the power of the seas. Accompanying Sparrow are Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites, “Gods of Egypt”) and Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario, “The Maze Runner”), a couple of fresh-faced idealists with daddy issues that only the trident can resolve. Barbossa, for his part, is only looking for Sparrow, eager to save his own neck from the treacherous Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem, “No Country for Old Men”), a ghost with a personal score to settle against Captain Jack.
With those seeds sown, the story grows into the usual web of battles and deceptions and mystical hoo-ha that mark the Pirates franchise. Swords clash, cannons go off, someone switches sides, and everybody performs implausible stunt after implausible stunt. Sparrow teeters and totters, runs with his hands snapping in the air like crab claws, and cheats death again and again. And of course, there’s rum. Savvy?
Like its predecessors, this movie does an impressive job being, well, impressive. Gargantuan set pieces and precise choreography and grand visual effects make the movie a marvel to look at, and the booming sound design reinforces the magnitude of the action. “Dead Men Tell No Tales” also benefits from its rowdy sense of humor, more amplified and risqué than the comedy in the other Pirates sequels.
Unfortunately, bearing the weight of four movies on its shoulders, “Dead Men Tell No Tales” struggles to convincingly incorporate its plot into the Pirates universe. So much has already been established that the movie bends over backward justifying the introduction of new rules and legends that didn’t exist in the previous four movies. The result feels simultaneously overstuffed to the point of confusion and irritatingly dumbed down.
And with so much effort spent making the plot points fit together, other aspects of the script suffer from a lack of care. Case in point: the romantic subplot between Henry and Carina, easily the most exasperating element of the movie. The scenes between them, inexplicable and ludicrously bland, do a better job parodying romantic drama than a parody of romantic drama would. It doesn’t help that Thwaites and Scodelario are unmemorable actors, and certainly no match for the Orlando Bloom–Keira Knightley duo from the earlier Pirates films—though in all fairness, I can’t think of any actors, Bloom and Knightley included, who could sell a romance as insipid as this one.
But then, these issues would only matter in a film trying to stand alone, not an entry in a series of over-the-top adventure movies. It would be nice, of course, if “Dead Men Tell No Tales” (or any of the Pirates sequels, for that matter) could hold a candle to the original as far as satisfying storytelling goes, but Disney has clearly decided that this franchise exists to give viewers flashy maritime combat and postcard-pretty sunshine and Johnny Depp’s pseudo-drunkard antics.
And to be honest, I don’t think Disney is necessarily wrong. After all, simple escapism is as legitimate a filmmaking goal as any. Whatever hangups I have about dull characters or cluttered plotlines, I can’t say the Pirates sequels aren’t exciting, that they don’t make a warm afternoon pass quickly. I doubt if we’ll ever have another Pirates movie as all-around enjoyable as “The Curse of the Black Pearl,” but with “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” Disney has at least made it easier to accept that.
Originally published in The Harvard Press on 6/2/17.